Analysis of My Grade School Lack of Talent, Difficulties with Tenses/Why I Was Not Born to Write: exhibit B

2) Cop out endings.

Report: Snorkly the Dragon

(open in new tab first to make big and read):

Snorkly the Dragon is the dramatic tale of a young dragon who is aqua, has rough skin, big nostrils, and tremendously negligent parents.

One (stormy) night, Snorkly's mother "goes out with his father", leaving Snorkly unsupervised. Where the mother and father go, and to do what, exactly, is unclear, but either way, big mistake: in the middle of the night, Snorkly is savagely beaten and abducted by the island's resident sadist, taken to a cave "what looked like it had evil spirtes in it," and thrown into a tiger's den. (You can't call yourself the "worst dragon in all of Dragon island," after all, if your secret sadist cave doesn't have exotic animal holding pens/jail cells.)

Inside this particular den is a tiger prone to asking dumb questions. Like when Snorkly---likely bruised, bloody, and groggy as he regains consciousness---is thrown into the den, the tiger asks, "Why do you look so sad?"

Despite his dim wits, the tiger's pure feline brawn comes in handy: the bully, although having gone to the trouble of installing a tiger den inside his cave, is not quite the mindful jailor. By carelessly leaving the door unlocked, Snorkly and the tiger---who invites Snorkly to hop onto his back, "but not too hard"---escape to freedom.

They manage to find their way home. After this long and grueling night they arrive to Snorkly's mother, who does not seem to have noticed or cared that her only child was missing. The father---if he's even Snorkly's real father at all---is nowhere to be seen. Casually sitting up at what now must be dawn, the mother:

1) shows no reaction to her badly beaten son returning home astride an unfamiliar tiger;

2) still tries, however, to dissuade him from keeping the tiger as a pet before passively giving in, evidently dismissing the enormous food costs that a pet tiger might entail;

3) offers her son no medical assistance;

4) is unaffected by Snorkly's recounting of the evening's events, but at the mention of the cave, suddenly asks, "What cave?", which suggests she's either:

• a) unfamiliar with the terrain of her home island and flabbergasted by the possible existence of caves;
• b) actually quite interested in her local cave network and would genuinely like to know which specific cave; or
• c) knows very well which cave, and has perhaps visited said cave on one of the many occasions she "goes out with his father", but is now playing dumb to cover up possible involvement with nefarious cave activities/cave-based drug rings.

Strangely enough, she does not think to notify the authorities of a maniac child beater on the loose until her son kindly asks her to, at which request she displays a sudden, uncharacteristic take-charge attitude ("I most certainly will!"). Again, this could be in attempt to conceal her associations with caves and/or cave dwellers/dealers.

Shrugging off his mother's incompetent parenting, Snorkly then leads the police to the bully.

Apparently the sadist bully didn't care that his hostages went missing either. Maybe he was distracted. Maybe he was frantically refreshing his browser page in the final minutes of an eBay bid. Who knows. But it does seem that this blase, laissez-faire attitude is one that defines the national character of the island, a collective consciousness that's all ain't no thang. It even affects the police, whose response to a child beating criminal is only to incarcerate said beater until they had "learned a lesson and would never be mean again."

Okay, so the legal system is a little more lax on Dragon Island. Dramatic events garner no media attention whatsoever. No one seems too troubled with protecting the public from danger. The former headquarters of a psychologically disturbed dragon---which were, by the way "so yucky and spooky"---get turned into a "paradise place".

Hey, c'mon. This is Dragon Island. See that molester van? Booze Cruise Mobile! That ex-meth lab? Daycare center!

Man, Dragon Island just wants to party!